This Diva Aint No Twilight Diva

As it seems to be a hot topic, I figured I would share my point of view on the ‘Sparkly’.

And by ‘sparkly’, I mean the new ‘Twilight’ trip.  And, I am aware, that by doing so, I may become subject to certain loathing.  Of the act of being attacked in a violent, and brutal manner, by ‘Twilight’ers.

Firstly, let us just say- Vampires do not sparkle.  Now, on that note, I concede to being all creative-like.  After all, I say writers should support each other.  That as a writer, I believe that I can create anything I want.  And, if I want to put something in a blender to do as I will, well, damnit, I will.  That, however, does not excuse people who take what the world accepts as virtually true, and make it their own.  To bastardize folklore and make it pretty enough for tweens.  Shit, I was never allowed to see supernatural stuff like that at twelve.  I snuck it, on my own, or with my dad.

I am envious that someone could take tweenage angst and romance and spin it into vampires that sparkle in daylight (??!!!)

Good on you.  I would have done it too.  Well, without the prissy sparkling vampire.  And that’s coming from a romance loving diva.  I like sparkles.  Just not on vampires.  Even on Kellan Lutz.  (mmm)

One Vampire I would love to be biten by

Like really.  I want a vampire to be sexy, hot, a dream.  I want them to be dangerous. Like bloody dangerous.  Not clingy and spewing more drama than a Kardashian.  (Now, that’s scary!)  I want to be offended in my soul on the viciousness of a vampire.  I want mist, and swarms of bats, and mental illness obsession.  Not broody boy bitches.  (Well, not on a regular basis.  Although there was that one time in that gay bar in Hungary..)

Fine.  There is massive following of lemmings, fans.  The unnatural love of a vampire and a mortal.  Of a werewolf and a mortal.  I am all for triangles.  Mostly they involve XXX.  But for the wee people, not old enough to stay at the mall past 8pm, I think the portrayal of Belle is shit.  Strong willed heroine?  More like saucy, defiant, and boo-whoo sob story.  Poor Belle.  Please.  As a cop, her father needs to cuff her one.

I would rather watch this...wont, but would rather..

Pattison, or whatever, may be an ok actor.  But not my cup of hotness.  The tween world has these sad, romantic, one ball bois.  Skinny as a rake.  Annoying in sensitivity.  Really?  I enjoy more manly leads.

Give me Kellan Lutz any day.  Really, can someone wrap him up for me? That is a wicked vampire.  He could be so sinister, so emotive.  I would trust that vampire in a dark alley.. well, sure you can see where that thought is going….

I can see him, a la Anne Rice, playing with mortals like toys, feasting gorily on criminals.  Now, that’s hot! 

Best werewolf.. nothing pretty about this one..

Mind you, I have seen the first 2 flicks.  The first, I was dragged by my ex-roommate, along with my other roomie/niece.  I sat there in near boredom.  And then… the vision of Emmett.  Kellan.  And the object of a new stalker obsession.  The second, by…wait for it.. Mr. Str8!  And in this one, the Taylor Lautner perverted obsession began.  I had to use all my napkins to sop up Str8’s drool.  And just like the first movie, I ran home to download a GB of photos of this sweet, pretty boi.

As a werewolf… really?  A lead?  No.  Sorry.  He can play the younger version of the real werewolf star.  Again, it is a tween production.  So, it makes sense to put some real brawn and beauty up against the disco glittering undead Edward.

I was practically falling asleep in the theatre.  Aw.. poor Bella.  Bad vamp bitch chasing her.  Yawn.

And now what?  Teenage pregnancy?  Turn into a third-rate hack job of Rosemary’s Baby?  Really????

Is there a moral in this?  Or is teen pregnancy just a plot device for a story that is highly flawed?  The moral I get, is not to have a Jerry Springer episode of teen breeding, and ‘who’s your daddy’, but rather not to watch this sugary coma inducing crap.


Give me ‘An American Werewolf in Paris’.  ‘Bram Stoker’s Dracula’.  ‘Nosferatu’.  ‘Interview with a Vampire’.  Hell, even ‘Elvira’!

Now that's a vampire

What’s next for the pathetic Bella?  Falling for a zombie?  Gremlin?  Hobbit?

Give me one redeeming quality in this series?  Just one.  Other then Kellan, or Taylor’s wet dream-iness?

Calling Bella… ring ring ring.. get a life! 

Put that in you sparkly and smoke it.


Filed under Humour, Rant, Silly Me

2 responses to “This Diva Aint No Twilight Diva

  1. This is extreemly late on my part, but here it goes. I agree with you on all of your comments about the movies (especially Lutz ;)). But have you read the books? The books are the redeeming quality! I would never admit it publically but the movies are horrible!! The actors are bad, the camera views are odd, and the writing is incrediously corny and childish compared to the book. Why are the movies even rated PG-13!?!! However, I am in love with the books and who cares if Meyer wants to put a little creative imput into horror stories to turn them into a dark farytale? I think that her writing has progressed over time and her stories and plots are hard to beat these days.

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