Musing- Trust and Love

Just when I thought it was safe in the world of relationships of my friends, a comet appears on a collision course. A large asteroid.

SK has been trying to keep things together since she and boyfriend I moved in together a few months ago.  The last blip on the relationship radar came in and tested their mettle.  He was getting cold, which is the first sign of  the entering fire of the final stage of entry.  In the case of a relationship, the start of the big bang.

The impact, or implosion, started (as it often does) with a simple omission of the truth.  I ran into an ex at a store, and failed to mention this to SK.  The plot thickened with SK noticing the said ex.  When confronted with this, I played it off saying that he was going to tell her.  Which begs the question: why not be upfront with her in the first place?

This next bump on their road is a deja vue for me.  I ‘m still processing the same argument over my relationship with EX.  It’s difficult to comfort her with my own experience with EX, as they are (suppose to be) better friends. Yes, SK is EX’s friend, and mine by default.  I wasn’t smitten with her in the beginning, but she has turned out the be very good for EX.  We share an obsession with Sex and the City, (yeah I know) and this has lead us to building our own independent connection from EX.

SK was an unwitting accomplice to EX’s Christmas production of “LETS SKIP WORK AND GO TO THE MALL SO I CAN BUY MYSELF AN IPOD I DON’T NEED AND NOT TELL MY BOYFRIEND”.

I know all about the boyfriend who says he wants trust and honesty, (no demands it), but then pulls a dumb trick by lying and being deceptive.  EX was a pro that that game.

Oh, there are plenty of these in our eight months together.

By this selfish act of using the “honesty” and “trust” and “I can’t stand lies” card for themselves, they get caught and whammo!!  You’re the bad one, and they are the victims.  You react (or in many cases overreact) and they get the upper hand. Yes that is the way it works.  How do they do that?  Is there a manual men get that I missed out on?  Was there a sale at Le Chateau or something?

Then with SK explaining all this to EX, there it was.  The asteroid crashing down. I know how she feels; betrayed, hurt, confused, angry….  What emotion is not used up by this?  It makes me wonder as EX tisks I for the same behaviour he’s guilty of.  Saying the right things in front of me, like he always did.  Me, sitting there, biting my tongue.  SK was told by I that it was over, he couldn’t handle it any more.  She was too much energy.  I know why we broke up- Ex pulled these little routines all the time, and I would freak out, and then we would talk and commit to being honest.  But every time he did it, I would lose my mind and then do insane things I would regret later.

When you make a mutual decision to be with someone you claim to love and want to be with, then how can you make a mountain out of a mole hill?  Why the double standard?  If you cant trust someone to tell you openly about something benign, how can you trust them to tell you about something massive?  In love, when is being upfront secondary to being the one on top?  What makes us dishonest about things we want to do ourselves, overriding the commitment to the one we say we love?  When is an omission ok in love?

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