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the Ides of April

funny how sometimes the universe sends you a message you cannot ignore.  And in the dark, it is the light that finds you, and the fear and pain can wash away.  I have just been in this position.  And while I try to make light of somethings, sometimes you need to acknowledge the complexities that is life.  And, in turn dead.

So, in my pitiful life, worrying about the end of employment, and dealing with pettiness, my sister had to deliver sad news.  A dear, wonderful family friend died.  And not just any one, but a selfless, compassionate and angelic like human being.  Anna was a light in the gloom of the world.  Never a mean thing to say, she was always loving.  Even when cancer began to attack, and Anna suffer, she took no easy way out, no more than she needed.  Her philosophy was always, ‘there is someone worse off than me.  Let them have it.’  And as she fought the good fight, month after month, she still was a shining light.  And last week, the last once of fight left Anna, and she was no longer an angel on Earth, as she was returned to where she was needed next.  And all those lives she touched, remembered her.

And from that, my sister returned home, to a sick husband.  And the horror of his being so sick, that he collapsed.  My sister, ever the force, did what she needed to.  My brother-in-law is a good man.  And he held on, in ICU, with my sister at his side.  And in hospital, he has gotten better.  And getting better.  And we are grateful.  Not unlike Anna, my sister is an amazing human being.  Loving, compassionate, and strong.  A light in this world.

My good friend also got bad news.  Her nephew, who came to defend another, was shot dead for his stand.  And a young man, taken out of this world by an act of violence.  And it rippled out, a family trying to make sense of such a loss.  So young and promising.  Senseless.

And today, it seems more senselessness… A member of the gay community in Halifax, a much loved, and wonderful human being, was beaten violently to death.  Raymond Taavel, came to the defense of another human being and paid with his life.  I knew of him, but a moment in time.  I meet Raymond the first day I was at the local gay bar, about a week after my mother died, and I was on my own.  I sat with him and his friends, and we drank, and ate.  We talked about writing, and many times after, when I would go to the bar, he was there.  Always a smile, always positive.   Always a chat.  He was brutually killed by a psychiatric patient who was allowed an unescorted leave.  He failed to return.  Raymond tried to defend his friend when, by the reports, the patient was accosting him.  And paid with his life.  Metro Halifax Regional Police arrested him.  There was a vigil for Raymond.  A downtown street was blocked virtually last minute, for the honour of a key member of the gay community, of the city.

In a world of diversity, of good and bad, it makes life a balance.  It seems for me, that the lives of many have intersected, that in the wake of death, of serious health issues, of loss, the balance of the universe will find a way to give us messages.  To remind us that life is precious, and short.  That any one of us, could be off this mortal coil in a last heart beat.  That good, positive people can be taken.  And while  we do not understand, or agree, that we feel anger and resentment, we all must find something good.  I wish to find the goodness, the light, the positive of good people, and try to live life with the honour, for those taken before their time, or at the end of a long road.  I choose to live up to the strength of good people.  For Anna, for my sister, my brother-in-law, my friend’s nephew, and for Raymond.  For me, in my own world, I wish to follow the strength of my family.  Heroes come in many fashions, in  many statures, but  the way someone lives life, speaks volumes to the balance of the universe.  Anna, my sister, are two of my heroes.  And Raymond.  We question why for tragic events.  It is what we do after, that defines us, our futures.  It is the universe’s way to keep us honest.  And what we do in this world, is the best way to reply to the messages of the universe, after the ides of April…

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Wedded Bliss? A Rant on Marriage

Marriage (or wedlock) is a social union or legal contract between people that creates kinship. The definition of marriage varies according to different cultures, but is usually an institution in which interpersonal relationships, usually intimate and sexual, are acknowledged. Such a union, often formalized via a wedding ceremony, may also be called matrimony. Many cultures limit marriage to two persons of the opposite sex, but some allow forms of polygamous marriage, and some recognize same-sex marriage. In some conservative cultures, marriage is recommended or compulsory before pursuing any sexual activity.

People marry for many reasons, including one or more of the following: legal, social, libidinal, emotional, economic, spiritual, and religious. These might include arranged marriages, family obligations, the legal establishment of a nuclear family unit, the legal protection of children and public declaration of commitment.[1][2]The act of marriage usually creates normative or legal obligations between the individuals involved. Some cultures allow the dissolution of marriage through divorce or annulment.  (as from wikipedia)

Recently, I learned of a gay couple who seem to be engaged, as per a social media status update.  I am very much a supporter of marriage, gay or otherwise, in relation to love, and the commitment of two individuals.  I am a romantic, believe in love, and the soul mate ideal.  The above two paragraphs are from wikipedia. In the second, it gives reasons for many to decide to be married.  I do not presume to know the workings of someone else’s relationship….however…

It has taken way too long for humanity to deal with each other, to have a fair and equal world.  I know, not there yet but a work in progress.  Rights granted, blah blah…

My issue is that this:  If we fight for rights and equality, then shouldn’t we have some level of respect for the things we have?  Freedom of will and liberty is great.  But if gays can marry, should not we attempt to honourable? 

Straight couples have enjoyed the highs and lows of marriage from the beginning.  And while there are those that disrespect the institution and what it stands for, and there are those, as well, who value its ideals and beliefs.  With so many hetros on their own narrow view point, it makes gay marriage difficult if it is not done for the purest of reasons: love.  Man/woman marriages have been for love, money, and a myriad of reasons.  Let us face this: gay rights may picking up speed in our world, but stereotypes remain.  Gays are seen as dirty, promiscuous, and an afront to the meaning of marriage.  So, if a couple of gays who are looking to get hitched for concerns of finance, or status, rather than love and being only 2 joined in intimacy, then, how in the name of all that is Elton John, can we get away from being the demon if we put it all out there?  that we say, meh, marriage ok even if it’s not for love.  Really? 

Why would a couple of sleep-around-seths want to get married?  Sure, makes senes for the straights.  Look  step-ford family, raise kids, but really, you are schlanking the rest of the suburban street, at  the ‘swappers’ party.  You would need marriage to be the beard, if you all are bed hopping.  Well, gays do that regardless.  Unless we got kids, there is no real need to get into matrimony other than love.  Ok you may say, not so.  Seriously?  ok then, let’s see.  Money/finances?  How about investments?  RRSPs?  Will marriage make this couple I know of better?  Hardly.  If they give up trying to win the skank equivalent of the Best Picture Oscar, then meh, ok.  They marry for love.  Forsake all others.  I ll buy them a blender.

However, if we think that just because we now can marry, should we?  The straights have the corner on seedy, secret, scandalous sexual affairs of married couples.  Really, for us gays, we accept this, rather embrace this, and damn many of us are good at being tramps.  So, maybe thanks to that fabulous other red head Julia Roberts and that fine (well, not so recently) Richard Gere, the gays got the marriage bug.  That even though they are amateur porn stars, they too can live the dream. 

If gays make the committment to tie the knot, then why can’t they do it for the spirit and the letter of marriage?  And make it about romance and not how many times you can play hide wet  twirl the cabaret stick…. And if you detected some resentment, you would be right.  I have resigned myself to the knowledge that unless Mr. Str8 is left a vegetable and unable to stop me from forcing him to marry me… I will never be a bride.  And I am pretty ok with it.  I dream of being married.  I just really think those gays who count more sex partners than jelly beans while in a relationship should really just stay the course.  And leave marriage to the gays who are a better example of human equality, who truly are the marrying kind.  Those of us who believe in love, romance and being the only two,  in a party of two.   By the powers of blogging,  I now pronounce you rant and rant, and may you may rant on….

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Filed under gay, Humour, Quotes, Random, Rant, Relationships, Silly Me

Found Online: REVEALED: What Constitutes Cheating?

Matthew Stefanson (from sympatico.ca lifestyle, aug 30 2011)
What are the obvious indiscretions?

 
We’re fragile creatures.  Our hearts are easily broken, even by small trespasses, and that’s why it’s so painful when we are faced with a major betrayal.  Of course, the worst case scenario is when sex is involved.  Romantic entanglement makes every single kind of pain worse.  It turns mourning into grieving, anger into rage and sadness into complete, late stage renal failure type anguish.  We guard our hearts very carefully against betrayal and because of this, there is sometimes a disparity between the sexes as to what exactly it is that constitutes infidelity.  Where is the line between harmless flirting and inappropriate canoodling?  When exactly does someone cross the boundary between these two zones and enter hostile territory?  The answer isn’t universal.  Due to the different ways that the sexes interact and socialize, what is thought of as acceptable by one, might be completely unacceptable to the other.That is why we at The Soko are endeavouring to shed a little light on the issue this week.  This week’s Message From Mars will deal with the age old problem of cuckoldry:  what do men think of it and exactly where do they think the borders of acceptable behaviour lie for their partners?

Physical Indiscretions

The obvious red flags don’t need to be mentioned.  No touching below the belt or between the midriff and shoulders.  No lasting meaningful eye contact.  Absolutely no extramarital hand holding.  These rules have been golden for a long time, the unshakable tenets of any relationship, but they don’t necessarily apply to everyone.

Sexual arrangements differ in every relationship and you will know better than me what that is for you, but it’s a good bet that if you’ve never talked about it, you don’t have an arrangement.  Assuming that you are engaged in a serious relationship, which I can’t guarantee, you will either be working under the assumption that you are monogamous or you will have come to the conclusion, through a mutual arrangement, that you are allowed to seek out some manner of extramarital activity.  If you haven’t reached this conclusion with your partner, then that’s where the line is.  Don’t cross it.

Off Limits Lovers

If you have decided that your coupling will be more of a free-wheeling, fly by the seat of your perpetually unzipped pants sort of situation, then you’ve probably set some boundaries.  But there are unspoken ones that most men wouldn’t feel the need to bring up, either because they think it’s too obvious or because they think it would make them seem restrictive.  Regardless of their intentions, there are certain types of sanctioned infidelities that will completely derail the whole system.  Stay away from his friends, relatives and, if you’re really considerate, your ex-boyfriends.  Most men would not appreciate the knowledge that you are carrying on a sexual relationship with any of these people and it’s an invitation for drama and turmoil.

Aside from this, most men who are willing to engage in polyamorous relationships are fine with any arrangement that doesn’t diminish the quality or frequency of the sex that you are having with him.  This is actually the reason that most men do engage in poly activities, it helps keep the relationship healthy by removing boundaries that are likely to be crossed anyway, but there are still smaller, more subtle boundaries within the ones that have been opened up.  Try to not cross them.

Emotional

Men aren’t too big on the whole emotional infidelity thing.  It’s not as big of a concern to us as it is to women, not because we don’t cherish the lovely romantic, intellectual connections that we have with our female friends, but because we simply don’t operate the same way on that level.  To women, a close relationship that is had by their partner with a member of the opposite sex is usually up for close scrutiny.  It doesn’t usually matter if they suspect a physical indiscretion or not, or even if they sense any physical chemistry between them, the emotional connection can be enough evidence to prosecute.

Men do not see it this way.  For the most part, we are only prompted to reaction by a perceived physical threat to the relationship.  We are possessive of our sexual partners and can sometimes let our paranoia get the better of us if we think the sanctity of our bed is violated, but usually the presence of a close male friend is no more a problem than a close female friend.  Have your emotional trysts, but be careful that it doesn’t slip into something more gratifying.

Decisions

We are stupid and irrational creatures when it comes to almost anything.  Our more despicable instincts cause us to be suspicious, reactionary and impulsive, and there is no more appropriate venue for this lesson than romance.  We get jealous of our partners and suspicious of people we perceive as threats to our happiness, but that doesn’t mean that we are continually in the right.  We can be pigheaded and stubborn, and most often these are the qualities that cause a woman to stay in the first place.  If your fellow starts to drift away, to neglect you or actively hurt you, let him know this.  If he still doesn’t shape up, cheat on his ass all you want or do the mature thing and break up.  Your call

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