Filing this one under My life, As uncommon. It is true that most of me, the usually dominate personality, is the bubbly, generous, sweet, attention loving clown. As a Gemini, it struggles with the wicked, dark personality. So, I often, to be nice, make offers that I may not really be 100% on fulfilling. Although I do (mostly) follow through, there are occasions that it really is not just about me. Case in point, this past weekend. I had extended an offer to host Mr. Str8’s ex (and mother to his daughter), if she were to get down to the city. And she cashed in the I.O.U. And this has me
So, as sincere as the gesture was/is, I stepped out of my house, and sighed. I have always had the big dream of being financially secure enough to have a house that I was proud of, inside and out. That when people came avisiting, then I would be the quintesensial host, a la Bre Van De Camp in ‘Desperate Housewives’. That I would be a bit of a pretencious show-off. But with a heart of gold. And then I opened my eyes, and took stock of the state of disrepair in my yard. Meh. I Know that even as it looks like a right sight, I am honestly still me. And I grudgingly have admitted that I know me well enough that I do not need to have the best home, to be the person I am. I will not deny that the ruins of my house on the outside is a source of stress still. The tension I get is the old throw back to my soul crushing desire to be LIKED.
I want to be able to get to know the woman who birthed my awesome step-daughter, and who has an eternal connection to Str8. The distance, however, has not given much in regards to familiarizing, sharing, and dealing with the in-laws. With a good 3 ½ hour drive between me and the newer family members, (did I mention I am car-less?), I have been relegated into the corner of obscurity, as vague recollections of moments of interactions. Having only met her once, for a few minutes, face to face, we have had a brief exchange on Facebook chat, over the years. So, really, we are pretty much still unfamiliar with each other. So, to try to make a good impression, I launched into a cleaning rage, and tried to prepare for the visit.
It may not be the perfect world we wish it to be, that families are bound united forever. Gone are the days were couples stayed together because of family. Somewhere between this, and the last turn of the century, we have evolved (and devolved). And it has shaped us. Ex-partners moving on, finding new ones. Let’s face it, who of us has not been touched in some way by extended familes? Hell, half of Hollywood is virtually related, what with all the partner swapping, and oh ya, divorce! And as if it was a challenge for women to have ex’s with other women, and men to have ex’s with other men, now we got sexual lines all blurred up in the ‘Crying Game’ like carousel, and one now, never knows which side of the fence to expect the inevitable interaction with the ‘other partner’.
There is a growing number of men and women extracting themselves out of straight relationships. They are finally accepting themselves as something other than ‘straight’. Taking the risk to find love and happiness, they are blending families, as well as making a giant leap for queer kind.
There are women, and men, who have yet to completely let go of former partners. The relationship maybe over, but it can evolve into a stronger friendship. To see another woman, or man, with the ex, can be emotional. There are boundaries, and there are boundaries. Sometimes, this can be a nightmare. Let’s face it. Love usually never dies, and it is a personal growth event to be graceful and mature in dealing with the new partner of your old one. And vise versa.
There is the ego, the history, the connection to overcome, as well, for the new member of this mix. For me, meeting the Frist Wife, is more than important. It is a priority. I am the partner of man who has a child. A step-parent type role, that will ever be intertwined with the one person, who has been in a relationship with him. The ability for the past and present mates to get along with each other, can often determines the outcome of the progressing relationship.
For me, having Karen for the weekend, was like having an in-law visit. I know the score, but I cannot lock my mind on the fact that, after over 15 years, she has been a significant part of Str8’s life. When it comes to their child, she will be envolved in our lives. Being an adult means not being catty, or nasty, rather being friends. All the best to those who become good friends. Good luck to those who are pleasant enough to each other.
And then we have the rest of the puzzle. The family. Dealing with a new boy/girlfriend can be difficult, but make the new mate the same sex, and those less than open minded will be exposed. Now, so far, as being awkward, meeting the men in Str8’s family as been, it has gone rather well. I felt a slight chill, mind you. But I chalked that up to them being nervous and awkward too. Nothing hostile or negative. Regardless of other family members, one can deal with them. It’s a no brainer. Family is family. But the peripheral members, the exes, are a different level. They exist either solely as subject of attack, or as the precious, beloved mate, who the new one will measure up to. In my case, everyone loves Karen. But I get the feeling that there were minimal interactions. So, the stepping into the role as partner to Str8, has not been overshadowed by her history.
As for the weekend, it was a good time. We went to the mall, talked, laughed, even played a game of Monopoly, between Str8, Karen, and Carlie (who came for a visit), and I. She brought over her daughter, and the girls chatted on their own. (I was the first one out, however, Karen won, and she slaughtered Str8). I wanted to be as welcoming as I could be. And no clashes. My parents suffered the horror of dealing with a similar scenario. I am grateful that this is not the case for me. Now, Karen and I may never really be friends, but at least, we have common ground, and a positive attitude about that fact that we are the momma type figures in our little family, and while I may be dating Str8, she is, the First Wife. And I can respect that. After all, if things end for us, I know that while Karen is the first first… I will be on my very own level, as the First Husband. And that my friends, I think, is an equal position.
However, I have registered the title of First Diva. And that role, trumps the original First Wife lead.
So the clash of personalities, egos, claims, and such, can interfere with being grown up adults, and taking the world as it is. For those that have a same sex partner, introduction to family and friends, can be stressful. Even more so, by adding in children, and the other parent. Gay couples can be more visible, as well as more unsettling for some. I am grateful that for me, Str8 has good taste in mates. And that we, on our own accord, get along. Whether or not there may be the occasional clash or head-butting, our places, roles, connections and positions are recognized. It is often a challenge to deal with an ex and their new partner. I can say with clarity, that I am not jealous of Str8 and any time he may still spend with Karen. I am rather envious of the relationship they share, after about 20 years of history. I can only wonder what the future will bring for Str8 and myself. And only time will tell.
How some people can get crazy and lose control in these situations, I surely can understand. If it is just the ‘adults’, then, if you want drama, be me guest. But throw in children- and now you have to rise to the occasion, and be a better person. I feel sorry for kids in such spectacles. And then make the new partner, same sexed… even the most well rounded person can have a glitch and twitch in the process. It is being more common, as people are breaking out of the closet. And it is about time, too. The world has changed in many dramatic ways, in the last couple of decades. All of us who are creating new weaves into the fabric of society, will be leading the way to a time when there will be only a few people who will not have been, at some point, a part of a bisexually blended family. And the attention, and focus will no longer be on parents who start dating members of the same sex. I for one, an glad that I am in the middle of social change. After all, I am gay. A Gemini. And while not the First Wife.. I know, that I am the First Diva, in my world. That I am one of the lucky ones, who can be accepted into a family, and have a good positive relationship with an ex of my partner. And suddenly, I am no longer concerned about the state of my house.