Tag Archives: humor

the Movie Extravaganza Pre-Easter Weekend Str8 Rumble

Last week on my week day off, we went to the movies.  Now, this is a rare treat of late, that Mr. Str8 would be willing to spend that much money other than shopping on Ebay for video games and replacement controllers for ps2.  (Have you seen the brutal murder of one such controller?)  When I confirmed I would be off for the day, he mentioned the movie idea. Here we were sitting in the kitchen, on our laptops, and I nearly fell off my chair, while flashes of colours assaulted my brain.  I steadied myself with a hand on his arm.

“A what?  Sorry, I thought you actually mentioned going to the movie theatre?”

“Ya, I did.  What’s your issue?”  Str8 stares at me like I transformed into a three headed Richard Simmons.

“Really?  Are you playing a sick belated April Fool’s Day joke on me or are you serious?”

“Don’t take it like it’s some kind of real date night shit or anything.  I wanna see if there is anything good.  Find out what’s playing.”

I know what you are thinking.   How is it that I’m the luckiest gay to have such a warm, fuzzy and awesomely romantic bf?  I keep trying desperately to find that out.  What did I ever do to deserve a real fairy tale love?  So, I loaded up Empire Theatre’s site faster than you could say ‘j’ (as in jackass…), or not as fast as Mariah Carey’s movie crashed and burned…

We really had two options.  I swiveled Sully (laptop) and showed him the trailer for ‘John Carter’.

“that’s it!  We are seeing that one!” Str8 exclaimed with a sloppy grin.

“Ok…or what about…”

“Wax in the ears?  I said that one.  What part of ‘that’s it’, did you not get?”

“What part of your computer will come in contact with which part of your body, in about.. say.. 5 seconds?…..”

“The bottom, and my head?”

“Yes, and no- your head is too hard and thick for an empty container…but your lap is exposed…”  He quickly pulled his chair forward so his belly mashed on the table’s edge.  I glared at him.

“I love you?”  He blew a kiss.

“Jackass..”  I coughed into my hand.

John Carter.. 4 thumbs up

So without bloodshed, we decided.  And then the morning of the Great Movie Adventure of 2012, I repeatedly reminded him of the time, a perpetual countdown to the departure time, and ETA.  And the wax from my ears must have travelled out of my ear canal, slugged itself along the pillows the night before, right into his superior tunnels, because I couldn’t pry him off his video game in time.

“Ok, save the game for the love of RuPaul already, we need to leave!” I yelled.  I hate getting to the theatre late.  Major pet peeve.  So, with barely time to spare, I finally dragged Str8 out of the house, and off on the road.  Getting into Bayer’s Lake was not easy.  Direction-challenged Str8, missed the turn off.  I directed him around, and he took the very first right, and kept going.

“Ok, the theatre is right there, and u didn’t turn.” I steamed.  A U-ie and back around… he grumbled and I not happy.  We got in to the theatre, a few minutes into the start.

“See we made it.”  Str8 said.  I glared at him.

“Movie is on. No talking.”  And we enjoyed a most exciting and great movie.  I cannot believe that ‘John Carter’ was not a smash hit.  I loved it.

 

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ReRev Elev: Str8 Music Quote Quickie

That hook that makes u glow, the chorus that makes you scream it out loud while driving in your car, the rift that makes you air guitar in a line-up.  Music moves our souls.  Music is the haven of the gay.  And the straight.  And Divas and Str8s…

Our meshing of music tastes was not as bad as I thought it would be. I expected more twangy suicidal country, to compete with my dance.   Str8 has the country thing.  But the big surprise was the opera.  And there has been common likes.  And ‘wft’?  And some of our music centered exchanges:

1) Str8:  ”What the fuck is that?”

Me: “What?

Str8: “What you’re listening to.”

Me: “It’s classical-metal-house-fusion”

Str8: “It’s shit, more like!”

2) Str8: “Ava Maria…”  (singing, loudly, and painfully off key)

Me: “Can we not really?  It’s July…stop with torturing me with freakin Christmas music!”

Str8: (scolls through his Itunes, clicks, and starts singing again to ‘White Christmas’)  “Now that’s Christmas music.”

Me: “No, that’s your funeral theme song if you keep it up..”

3) Sr8: “Huh..who’s singing that?”

Me: “Oh, the best boyband ever-the Wanted!  look.”  (I bring up Googles images for the Wanted)

Str8: (eyes light up, smiles, pushes me as he get a closer look)  “I like them.”

Me: “Them?…Or their music?”

Str8: “Them…and the music.  How do I get them?”

Me: “Them?… Or their music?”

Str8: “Them.  But I’ll settle for their music.”

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Why I Wont Be a Parent

Standing in a long line up at the only Tim Horton’s open for blocks from work on Good Friday, with members of peewee hockey and family swarming the joint (it is one of the designer Cold Stone Creamery ice cream cafes)….. I turned to my co-worker on the way out, and grumbled my intolerance.

Me: It’s some tournament or something… I cannot imagine having the money to have a kid in sports.  It must be bloody expensive!

C0-worker: You are right, it is not cheap.

Me: This is why I don’t have kids, man!  Firstly, I would have to work round clock to afford to feed it, and clothe it!  Let alone letting it participate in a team… I would be like “Jr., if you want to play sports, get a job and pay for it yourself!”

Co-worker: (laughing)

Me: No, I’m not kidding!  If my seven-year old asked to play, then he could work for it.  Kathy Lee Gifford had kids making her clothes.  Rose made Gypsy Lee Rose earn her keep….

Co-worker: (laughing, yet appalled)  I don’t think it works that way.  That’s not really legal here.. and as for Rose, I still pretty much think that isn’t legal any more either…

Me: Short of raising it in the Fourth World, I guess you’re right.  Child stars at least don’t have the time to join sports, what with the hours acting on set.. No guarantees it could be cute enough or smart enough to perform.  Even if it is mine.  Ok, well, it would need to earn it’s keep then.  ‘Hey you, clean the house and don’t forget the gutters!  And tomorrow, you’d better be re-tiling the roof if you want to go to the finals with the team!’

Co-worker: (still laughing) You wouldn’t?

Me: Hey, gotta work for it… Ask Donald Trump.  It could help with the groceries too… ‘ok you, take the bags to the car…. no, no cart for you mr. all-star, you are carrying all those bags, and hurry up’…

Co-worker: (shaking his head)  U really shouldn’t have kids.  Hey, You never mentioned lemonade stands, dog walking…

Me: They would never make enough cash that way!  It would drop and spill the drink, or lose all the dogs, and then I would have to pay more out to fix it’s mistakes…. Ah, I  see your point. Well, this is one reason why I won’t be a parent. (sigh)

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Wedded Bliss? A Rant on Marriage

Marriage (or wedlock) is a social union or legal contract between people that creates kinship. The definition of marriage varies according to different cultures, but is usually an institution in which interpersonal relationships, usually intimate and sexual, are acknowledged. Such a union, often formalized via a wedding ceremony, may also be called matrimony. Many cultures limit marriage to two persons of the opposite sex, but some allow forms of polygamous marriage, and some recognize same-sex marriage. In some conservative cultures, marriage is recommended or compulsory before pursuing any sexual activity.

People marry for many reasons, including one or more of the following: legal, social, libidinal, emotional, economic, spiritual, and religious. These might include arranged marriages, family obligations, the legal establishment of a nuclear family unit, the legal protection of children and public declaration of commitment.[1][2]The act of marriage usually creates normative or legal obligations between the individuals involved. Some cultures allow the dissolution of marriage through divorce or annulment.  (as from wikipedia)

Recently, I learned of a gay couple who seem to be engaged, as per a social media status update.  I am very much a supporter of marriage, gay or otherwise, in relation to love, and the commitment of two individuals.  I am a romantic, believe in love, and the soul mate ideal.  The above two paragraphs are from wikipedia. In the second, it gives reasons for many to decide to be married.  I do not presume to know the workings of someone else’s relationship….however…

It has taken way too long for humanity to deal with each other, to have a fair and equal world.  I know, not there yet but a work in progress.  Rights granted, blah blah…

My issue is that this:  If we fight for rights and equality, then shouldn’t we have some level of respect for the things we have?  Freedom of will and liberty is great.  But if gays can marry, should not we attempt to honourable? 

Straight couples have enjoyed the highs and lows of marriage from the beginning.  And while there are those that disrespect the institution and what it stands for, and there are those, as well, who value its ideals and beliefs.  With so many hetros on their own narrow view point, it makes gay marriage difficult if it is not done for the purest of reasons: love.  Man/woman marriages have been for love, money, and a myriad of reasons.  Let us face this: gay rights may picking up speed in our world, but stereotypes remain.  Gays are seen as dirty, promiscuous, and an afront to the meaning of marriage.  So, if a couple of gays who are looking to get hitched for concerns of finance, or status, rather than love and being only 2 joined in intimacy, then, how in the name of all that is Elton John, can we get away from being the demon if we put it all out there?  that we say, meh, marriage ok even if it’s not for love.  Really? 

Why would a couple of sleep-around-seths want to get married?  Sure, makes senes for the straights.  Look  step-ford family, raise kids, but really, you are schlanking the rest of the suburban street, at  the ‘swappers’ party.  You would need marriage to be the beard, if you all are bed hopping.  Well, gays do that regardless.  Unless we got kids, there is no real need to get into matrimony other than love.  Ok you may say, not so.  Seriously?  ok then, let’s see.  Money/finances?  How about investments?  RRSPs?  Will marriage make this couple I know of better?  Hardly.  If they give up trying to win the skank equivalent of the Best Picture Oscar, then meh, ok.  They marry for love.  Forsake all others.  I ll buy them a blender.

However, if we think that just because we now can marry, should we?  The straights have the corner on seedy, secret, scandalous sexual affairs of married couples.  Really, for us gays, we accept this, rather embrace this, and damn many of us are good at being tramps.  So, maybe thanks to that fabulous other red head Julia Roberts and that fine (well, not so recently) Richard Gere, the gays got the marriage bug.  That even though they are amateur porn stars, they too can live the dream. 

If gays make the committment to tie the knot, then why can’t they do it for the spirit and the letter of marriage?  And make it about romance and not how many times you can play hide wet  twirl the cabaret stick…. And if you detected some resentment, you would be right.  I have resigned myself to the knowledge that unless Mr. Str8 is left a vegetable and unable to stop me from forcing him to marry me… I will never be a bride.  And I am pretty ok with it.  I dream of being married.  I just really think those gays who count more sex partners than jelly beans while in a relationship should really just stay the course.  And leave marriage to the gays who are a better example of human equality, who truly are the marrying kind.  Those of us who believe in love, romance and being the only two,  in a party of two.   By the powers of blogging,  I now pronounce you rant and rant, and may you may rant on….

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If I Could Just Say That Out Loud

Dealing with customers via telephone service is a highly stressful job.  It requires a level of decorum, finess and even higher levels of alcohol and or drugs.  While usually frustrating, it is also amusing.  There are many things that we have to say in response to callers, and an equal amount of things that we wish we could say.  Here are some examples:

Mr./Mrs. Interuption

(the callers who never give anyone else a chance to speak, who enjoy  cutting  off the rep at every sylabol)

reallife reply: Thank you again, I apreciate you clarifying your email address for me again.

silent reply: Seriously?  (after long dead air, caller says hello) Are you going shut your mouth at all, or do you want to do this yourself, you ignorant sod?

Mr./Mrs. Not-Bright

(you ask for the phone # you can call them back at if disconnected, and they reply with “this one”)

real reply: I appreciate that, however, I do not have a # here for you, could you please give your phone # to me, please and thank you?

silent reply: are you dammaged?  What am I?  Psychic?  If I didn’t need your effing #, then why would I waste my breath asking for it?

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In Defense to ‘A Man Rant’

So, as I was making fun of Mr. Str8 for his affair with his video games, I feel like I must now share with everyone this point.

To be fair, let me say this: I do think video games are a good and positive outlet for his attentions.  There are far worse ways to have attention placed on something else.  He enjoys it and it has given us moments of quality time, playing together, or him explaining to me his strategies.  Interests can often bring couples together, if they are open to sharing.

My ‘video game’ happens to be photography.  And I can compare this because it is yet to be fruitful, or outside of my own enjoyment, I like it.  I could shoot thousands of pictures.  And while Str8 gets lost in his games, I get lost in having a camera in front of my face.

So, with my old Olympus pocket camera, I subjected Str8 to endless picture taking.  Every venture out of the house, in the car, on walks, on vacation, at the bar, I had it with me.  In the first couple of months when we were dating, he indulged me by posing for me.  Maybe I wore that off quickly.  He got tired and annoyed.  “That camera could end up in pieces if you keep it in my face.”  That was his first admission of annoyance.

On our first vacation together, to PEI, I was attached to it, and could barely put it down.  He gave me warning looks on the drive to the island.  We had stayed in Pictou Nova Scotia the first night, and minutes after being in our room at the Inn, I was snapping pix of the room, angle after angle, and like a fashion photographer, I was focusing in on him.  I remember him standing there, and with a menacing face, said “Did you want to live through the night?”

On our walkabout, in town, I would lag behind, and Str8 would keep walking.  I had to run to catch up.  After exploring the town, once we were back to our room, Str8 said “Oh, and by the way your camera may not survive the night.”

At a random point while in Charlottetown, on our walkabout, Str8 stopped walking.  “Do you think any of your pictures will be any good?”

Once in the park, while feeding squirrels, Str8 moved on, and like a child, I was alone.  I found him, and he shook his head. “At this rate you will be kidnapped, molested and murdered.  You’ll like one of those options maybe…”

The first night Str8 got in after I got my new camera, I had it in his face for the first 3 minutes.  “If you want to keep that new camera, you’ll get it out of my face.”

he digs my digit photo art and gets upset if I don’t hear him.  Role reversal.  So, I don’t get his video games, and Str8 doesn’t get my creative addiction with the camera.

And if this seems like a weak comparison, well I admit, it is.  My camera compulsion is close to but not like Str8’s video fixation.  So, really, the ‘men’ of the relationship will have their obsessions, even if the ‘females’ have their.  The men will always be men.  But for those of us as the women, we will secretly know, we are the better halves of the whole…

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A Man Rant

So, Honey Badger (she selected the name, I liked it) and I got to comparing some notes on our men.  Honey reminisced on her ex, and I, on you guessed it, Mr. Str8, about the annoying behaviour of some  men’s video game addiction…

Honey: Tell everyone about our rant (laughing)

Me: So Str8 has picked up another  Playstation video game. He came down for weekend.  I worked on the Sunday, so we confirmed, on the way into town in the morning, that I was off at 6:30.  He said he would leave at 6:20.  I texted him after 6pm.  After I was walking to meet him, I get a text “u off at 6:30 or 7:30?”  He got caught up playing this game, and was over 30 minutes late…..so not impressed.  Then, the very next night we agreed to meet at the market.  I texted him ten minutes away from the store.  He showed up late, 20 minutes later.  Oh, and why you may ask?  Yup, frickin video game!  Was I a happy princess?  Not so much.  He being a j-a, laughed it off. Men!

Marla: (laughs)

Honey: Ya, A-H would play his video games all night, for hours, and stay up late, even though he had to be up at 6am, he would play past 1am!  stupid.

Me: Right?  And ok, if that’s not bad enough, I leave Str8 for the day, and know he is on that blasted thing all day, and when I get home, there are dishes, and  bags and wrappers all over my counter like some junk food atom bomb went off!  It’s not like there is a garbage can under the sink, oh no, that one just leaves a mess like a teenage junkie!

Honey: (laughing) I know, they lose all sense, wasting their time.

Me: Trust me, just like Carlie said, we could strip off and do a lap dance and get pushed away like we don’t exist.  Zombies the lot of em.

Honey: Why are men like that?

Marla: Men are like overgrown kids.

Me: More or less. I don’t get it.  If I don’t respond to Str8 when he wants me to, I get flack! Now, ladies, you have to understand men are designed by biology to be the hunter.  So they hunt, watch sports, play video games or build things to keep them active, no longer the caveman that actually brought back the bacon.  Housework, cooking and cleaning, that is not a man’s job.  Do they not realize, but not paying attention and doing what we want, that they make it worse for them?

Honey: That pisses me off, because when I used to try to get him to bed, he would bitch and complain, and sulk.  (laughing)  Hey, wait, but you are still a man.. so…

Me: Gurl, I i-dent-ify…it’s not my fault God gave me the pole and not the valley.  It is a wonderful curse… I get to…

Honey: And that is where you should end this rant before it get’s triple x… Say ‘see you later’

Me:….oh… (pout) men.. I will leave it at that… see you all later..

 

We all have things that annoy us, and we can annoy our partners.  But for love, we may complain, but at the end of the day, we secretly look back and laugh.  It’s the little things that make a relationship.  No one is perfect.

 

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Thanks for the Open Box of Chocolates, Forrest, You Gump!

If life is like a box of chocolate, it would have a variety of flavours and textures to choose from, right?  So, then, how it is that sometimes you open this mythical box of delights, and all you get are the same damn selections?  Thanks for the Open Box of Chocolates, Forrest, You Gump!

So it seems for many of us, with the hope that variety will enrich us.  Jobs.  Purchases.  Relationships.  The boxes I have seen have had pretty limited offerings.  And with job hunting on my list, I am not impressed.

 And if you think of the world and all of it’s locations, one would think, ‘hey, this is decent.’  Who has been to a club lately?  Those bonbons, then,  seem way too narrow in fillings.  And they all contain nuts.  Hard, indigestible nuts.  Hard core insane nuts.  The kind of nuts only a starved squirrel would try to keep.  My single friends, (the straight ones), say that it is slim pickins, like someone called ‘buffet’ at 9pm, and any tasty dish was gobbled up.  The dried up, nasties seem to be left in the box.  And, as one female friend added, ‘have bite marks even’.  Eewww…

Jobs seem to also fall under the same tab.  Sad little pieces, virtually no real choices.  And for many of us, a hunt for employment is being done all at once.  Like a sale on meat.  Some how, the not-so-starving shoppers get the prime cuts, while the general public get: ‘cashier for plastic pet poop products’, or ‘wanted sales manager for industrial audio cassettes company’….wtf??? I thought that at least, there would be one really delicious morsel to sink my sweet tooth into.  Oh, I thought I had done just that.  An entry level position in the exciting world of travel.  (insert ‘ooohhh’ and ‘aaahhhh’ here).  Sure.  Then the box of chocolate turned into some bad tasting dollar store crap.  By a company of gnomes, that shall remain nameless…. dashing my hopes of a good career move.  And now, in a financially have-not city, I am one of many, left to get the equivalent of an expired sweet.  I am gay, people, an ARTISTE.. whom has been a d list celebrity for more years than even Kathy Griffin!!! I hate starving, have I mentioned this?  No creamy centre for me to enjoy here, just the stale hard taffy core that will chip a tooth.

It feels like a candid camera version of the ‘support local’ ideal.  Locally, selection, well, sucks.  And some funny looking host will pop out and stick a camera in my face.  I want Laura Secord options here people, not dollar store stock of choices.  Really? 

So, while I have my own box of chocolates in the relationship  aisle, I am still combing through the meager remains of a post discount sale in the box of job treats.  And take it from me, not all boxes of chocolates are created equal. 

Hoping your selections are delectable and sweet…… Thanks for the Open Box of Chocolates, Forrest, You Gump!

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NA Meeting Introduction (or How I Have No Life Thanks to Netflix)

Hello, my name is Bryon.  And I am a Netflix addict. It’s been 3 seconds since my last Netflix viewing.  Ok, I am watching it as I sit here, so please do not judge.  I have been addicted for 2 months now.  And I am paying the 7.99 a month for my supply.  I am unable to function without it.

It all started when my well meaning step-daughter helped Mr. Str8 set up the internet on the Playstation 3 on her Christmas visit to the city (ok fine, it’s Halifax, so … town).  She is the tech brains in the family.  16yrs old.  So pretty much the expert.  And once I got home from work, we discussed the option to start the 1 month free trial.  So we did.  And that is when I took took the plunge off the cliff.

It started with the marathon of ‘Sliders’…I watched every episode.  And realized why I had forgotten it.  That is one of the hard points.  I was glued to the screens of the TV or Sully (aka my laptop), every moment I could view it.  I need an inter-netflix-tion.

I have gone through all of ‘Sliders’.  2 seasons of ‘Primeval’.  All of ‘Angel’.  4 seasons and counting of ‘Bones’….Plus several movies. I m like Brittney with a new level of crazy.

Please do not judge.  Please call my family and let them know I went down with a fight.  Ok, really, we all know that is not true.  I fell to my knees like a dirty bitch.  Like a Kardashian really.  Just try to make it sound like I actually put up a challenge.  Tell them I maybe lost to them.  But I am found in the world of Netflix.

Thank you.

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DEAR EX,

In case you do not remember me, I am the one you lied to, made a fool of.. oh, and the one who set fire to your new Ford Fusion, with your clothes, computer and your priceless mint condition Spiderman 1969 comic book… and maybe even that Mariah Carey CD….

So I hear you are finding a ride to and from work regularly, what with your car being all blown up and all.  Hear tell it is not just his  car you are riding, but his bootay…ok, his fat ass as well. I have seen pictures on Facebook.  Looks like the pool you are swimming in now is rather limited in anything other than hideous whales, but whatever…. I guess it was going to happen since you happen to be pond scum, and were about to be eaten alive in the real sea of life of real people.  The saying that there are plenty of fish in the sea may be true, but well, it seems fitting you thinking you are all big tuna in a small pool.  At lest there, you may need to visit a clinic more often.  Or not, which would make me happy.

Just thought I should warn you, that one of your wick wells is playing hide the wick with your roommate too.  And, by wick well, I mean your main ho, your public pubic puss polepumper, your community transit ride.  Maybe that is why you took up with it, after all, we both know how much you love to share.

I found a few items of yours, about my house, and thought I should send them to you.  Then I laughed, and threw them out.  Since possession is tenth of the law…. oh and no worries about the money you owe me.  I sold anything I could.  The pawn broker in town was really fair with your jewelry I ‘found’ so, I think we are good.  Thank you  for the vacation to London.  I will not think of you or your skank while I am at the four star hotel.

Just wanted to say, you suck and by the way, hope you enjoy the picture of me I enclosed, now that I am slimmer and sexier.  So says the med student I now am dating.  And yes, that hot sexy 2osomething in the photo is him. 

Sincerely happy now,

Me..

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