Tag Archives: movies

the Movie Extravaganza Pre-Easter Weekend Str8 Rumble

Last week on my week day off, we went to the movies.  Now, this is a rare treat of late, that Mr. Str8 would be willing to spend that much money other than shopping on Ebay for video games and replacement controllers for ps2.  (Have you seen the brutal murder of one such controller?)  When I confirmed I would be off for the day, he mentioned the movie idea. Here we were sitting in the kitchen, on our laptops, and I nearly fell off my chair, while flashes of colours assaulted my brain.  I steadied myself with a hand on his arm.

“A what?  Sorry, I thought you actually mentioned going to the movie theatre?”

“Ya, I did.  What’s your issue?”  Str8 stares at me like I transformed into a three headed Richard Simmons.

“Really?  Are you playing a sick belated April Fool’s Day joke on me or are you serious?”

“Don’t take it like it’s some kind of real date night shit or anything.  I wanna see if there is anything good.  Find out what’s playing.”

I know what you are thinking.   How is it that I’m the luckiest gay to have such a warm, fuzzy and awesomely romantic bf?  I keep trying desperately to find that out.  What did I ever do to deserve a real fairy tale love?  So, I loaded up Empire Theatre’s site faster than you could say ‘j’ (as in jackass…), or not as fast as Mariah Carey’s movie crashed and burned…

We really had two options.  I swiveled Sully (laptop) and showed him the trailer for ‘John Carter’.

“that’s it!  We are seeing that one!” Str8 exclaimed with a sloppy grin.

“Ok…or what about…”

“Wax in the ears?  I said that one.  What part of ‘that’s it’, did you not get?”

“What part of your computer will come in contact with which part of your body, in about.. say.. 5 seconds?…..”

“The bottom, and my head?”

“Yes, and no- your head is too hard and thick for an empty container…but your lap is exposed…”  He quickly pulled his chair forward so his belly mashed on the table’s edge.  I glared at him.

“I love you?”  He blew a kiss.

“Jackass..”  I coughed into my hand.

John Carter.. 4 thumbs up

So without bloodshed, we decided.  And then the morning of the Great Movie Adventure of 2012, I repeatedly reminded him of the time, a perpetual countdown to the departure time, and ETA.  And the wax from my ears must have travelled out of my ear canal, slugged itself along the pillows the night before, right into his superior tunnels, because I couldn’t pry him off his video game in time.

“Ok, save the game for the love of RuPaul already, we need to leave!” I yelled.  I hate getting to the theatre late.  Major pet peeve.  So, with barely time to spare, I finally dragged Str8 out of the house, and off on the road.  Getting into Bayer’s Lake was not easy.  Direction-challenged Str8, missed the turn off.  I directed him around, and he took the very first right, and kept going.

“Ok, the theatre is right there, and u didn’t turn.” I steamed.  A U-ie and back around… he grumbled and I not happy.  We got in to the theatre, a few minutes into the start.

“See we made it.”  Str8 said.  I glared at him.

“Movie is on. No talking.”  And we enjoyed a most exciting and great movie.  I cannot believe that ‘John Carter’ was not a smash hit.  I loved it.

 

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This Diva Aint No Twilight Diva

As it seems to be a hot topic, I figured I would share my point of view on the ‘Sparkly’.

And by ‘sparkly’, I mean the new ‘Twilight’ trip.  And, I am aware, that by doing so, I may become subject to certain loathing.  Of the act of being attacked in a violent, and brutal manner, by ‘Twilight’ers.

Firstly, let us just say- Vampires do not sparkle.  Now, on that note, I concede to being all creative-like.  After all, I say writers should support each other.  That as a writer, I believe that I can create anything I want.  And, if I want to put something in a blender to do as I will, well, damnit, I will.  That, however, does not excuse people who take what the world accepts as virtually true, and make it their own.  To bastardize folklore and make it pretty enough for tweens.  Shit, I was never allowed to see supernatural stuff like that at twelve.  I snuck it, on my own, or with my dad.

I am envious that someone could take tweenage angst and romance and spin it into vampires that sparkle in daylight (??!!!)

Good on you.  I would have done it too.  Well, without the prissy sparkling vampire.  And that’s coming from a romance loving diva.  I like sparkles.  Just not on vampires.  Even on Kellan Lutz.  (mmm)

One Vampire I would love to be biten by

Like really.  I want a vampire to be sexy, hot, a dream.  I want them to be dangerous. Like bloody dangerous.  Not clingy and spewing more drama than a Kardashian.  (Now, that’s scary!)  I want to be offended in my soul on the viciousness of a vampire.  I want mist, and swarms of bats, and mental illness obsession.  Not broody boy bitches.  (Well, not on a regular basis.  Although there was that one time in that gay bar in Hungary..)

Fine.  There is massive following of lemmings, fans.  The unnatural love of a vampire and a mortal.  Of a werewolf and a mortal.  I am all for triangles.  Mostly they involve XXX.  But for the wee people, not old enough to stay at the mall past 8pm, I think the portrayal of Belle is shit.  Strong willed heroine?  More like saucy, defiant, and boo-whoo sob story.  Poor Belle.  Please.  As a cop, her father needs to cuff her one.

I would rather watch this...wont, but would rather..

Pattison, or whatever, may be an ok actor.  But not my cup of hotness.  The tween world has these sad, romantic, one ball bois.  Skinny as a rake.  Annoying in sensitivity.  Really?  I enjoy more manly leads.

Give me Kellan Lutz any day.  Really, can someone wrap him up for me? That is a wicked vampire.  He could be so sinister, so emotive.  I would trust that vampire in a dark alley.. well, sure you can see where that thought is going….

I can see him, a la Anne Rice, playing with mortals like toys, feasting gorily on criminals.  Now, that’s hot! 

Best werewolf.. nothing pretty about this one..

Mind you, I have seen the first 2 flicks.  The first, I was dragged by my ex-roommate, along with my other roomie/niece.  I sat there in near boredom.  And then… the vision of Emmett.  Kellan.  And the object of a new stalker obsession.  The second, by…wait for it.. Mr. Str8!  And in this one, the Taylor Lautner perverted obsession began.  I had to use all my napkins to sop up Str8’s drool.  And just like the first movie, I ran home to download a GB of photos of this sweet, pretty boi.

As a werewolf… really?  A lead?  No.  Sorry.  He can play the younger version of the real werewolf star.  Again, it is a tween production.  So, it makes sense to put some real brawn and beauty up against the disco glittering undead Edward.

I was practically falling asleep in the theatre.  Aw.. poor Bella.  Bad vamp bitch chasing her.  Yawn.

And now what?  Teenage pregnancy?  Turn into a third-rate hack job of Rosemary’s Baby?  Really????

Is there a moral in this?  Or is teen pregnancy just a plot device for a story that is highly flawed?  The moral I get, is not to have a Jerry Springer episode of teen breeding, and ‘who’s your daddy’, but rather not to watch this sugary coma inducing crap.

Period. 

Give me ‘An American Werewolf in Paris’.  ‘Bram Stoker’s Dracula’.  ‘Nosferatu’.  ‘Interview with a Vampire’.  Hell, even ‘Elvira’!

Now that's a vampire

What’s next for the pathetic Bella?  Falling for a zombie?  Gremlin?  Hobbit?

Give me one redeeming quality in this series?  Just one.  Other then Kellan, or Taylor’s wet dream-iness?

Calling Bella… ring ring ring.. get a life! 

Put that in you sparkly and smoke it.

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Filed under Humour, Rant, Silly Me