Tag Archives: reflection

Status Quotes 1: Surviving Heartbreak

even when i am not whole, even when i may not being fully alive, even if I’m less than perfect, i know there are those who wont forsake me, and who will take me in their lives… may i give back

how much, how long, without.. when will it be time…to say what needs to be said, to make a choice to stop being frozen in time

dear god… please give me strength.. or numbness, cos the pain of loss and confusion is more than I can bare

pretty sure i am lucky.. supportive friends and family…. i know i still am loved..unlike the love that was to be forever

bit of news to make me sleepy.. can only hope sleep wont keep avoiding me, like the man who vowed love, and then walked away

I wish I knew, I wish I could, I wish I will… But all I wish, will never be, since the love of my life walked away in silence, and left my heart broken and deaf

smiling is the emotional equivalent of applying make up to a bruise.. everyone knows no matter how hard you try to conceal it…

love may burn like hot water, but unlike water you can’t turn it off like a tap

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Took A Chance (a Love Lost)

We found each other and took a chance. We were alike, we were different.  I can remember the excitement, the anticipation to talk on video, the nerves making us giddy.  I can remember your eyes sparkling, and that grin that told me you liked me.  We started to share, flirting and opening up our hearts.

We found each other and took a chance. You traveled distance to meet me, and we meet face to face.  It was like I knew you, you were sent for me, and I for you.  The first touch, that first kiss, that first moment we stared into each other’s eyes. It was like two parts of a soul was reunited and made whole.

We found each other and took a chance. You traveled back and forth, we were separated by kilometres, but never in love, never in spirit. We had to take the times apart, to have the times together. You made the sacrifice and I made you know by all I could do that this was to be, that I wanted you, as you wanted me.

We found each other and took a chance. It was real, you and I, a relationship.  There was so much, we fell in love, we were in love.  There were moments that shadowed the light, moments of darkness blocking out this love we shared. Life is far from perfect, and somehow we came out, the light of love never went out.

We found each other and took a chance. Time was a river flowing on and on, and we the water running to explore the world ahead of us. And then there were rocks, and a vow broken. indiscretion ripped my heart, and for the love I knew we had, like water, we survived the storm, the waves that threatened love.  And we were strong, we were more in love.

We found each other and took a chance. We both had moments were we were less than perfect, taking turns to be negative, to upset the love we shared.  Human natures and personal natures were overcome, and we were still in love.

We found each other and took a chance. We became each other’s world, everything was the other. Every sight, sound, touch, taste. Every place and space. And then without warning, in a moment, in a nightmare, it was over, and you were willing to walk away.

We found each other and took a chance.  The chance was a game, and it ended, and like bomb of emotional shrapnel, we exploded, and here we are, apart, a soul ripped into two, bleeding and dying and alone without rescue. Me here alone, you there alone. And a crater now in place of the love filled hearts.  And now I shed tears, I drown in the pain and know, we found each other and took a chance, and we are lost and the last chance was passed. I will always love you.

 

 

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the Ides of April

funny how sometimes the universe sends you a message you cannot ignore.  And in the dark, it is the light that finds you, and the fear and pain can wash away.  I have just been in this position.  And while I try to make light of somethings, sometimes you need to acknowledge the complexities that is life.  And, in turn dead.

So, in my pitiful life, worrying about the end of employment, and dealing with pettiness, my sister had to deliver sad news.  A dear, wonderful family friend died.  And not just any one, but a selfless, compassionate and angelic like human being.  Anna was a light in the gloom of the world.  Never a mean thing to say, she was always loving.  Even when cancer began to attack, and Anna suffer, she took no easy way out, no more than she needed.  Her philosophy was always, ‘there is someone worse off than me.  Let them have it.’  And as she fought the good fight, month after month, she still was a shining light.  And last week, the last once of fight left Anna, and she was no longer an angel on Earth, as she was returned to where she was needed next.  And all those lives she touched, remembered her.

And from that, my sister returned home, to a sick husband.  And the horror of his being so sick, that he collapsed.  My sister, ever the force, did what she needed to.  My brother-in-law is a good man.  And he held on, in ICU, with my sister at his side.  And in hospital, he has gotten better.  And getting better.  And we are grateful.  Not unlike Anna, my sister is an amazing human being.  Loving, compassionate, and strong.  A light in this world.

My good friend also got bad news.  Her nephew, who came to defend another, was shot dead for his stand.  And a young man, taken out of this world by an act of violence.  And it rippled out, a family trying to make sense of such a loss.  So young and promising.  Senseless.

And today, it seems more senselessness… A member of the gay community in Halifax, a much loved, and wonderful human being, was beaten violently to death.  Raymond Taavel, came to the defense of another human being and paid with his life.  I knew of him, but a moment in time.  I meet Raymond the first day I was at the local gay bar, about a week after my mother died, and I was on my own.  I sat with him and his friends, and we drank, and ate.  We talked about writing, and many times after, when I would go to the bar, he was there.  Always a smile, always positive.   Always a chat.  He was brutually killed by a psychiatric patient who was allowed an unescorted leave.  He failed to return.  Raymond tried to defend his friend when, by the reports, the patient was accosting him.  And paid with his life.  Metro Halifax Regional Police arrested him.  There was a vigil for Raymond.  A downtown street was blocked virtually last minute, for the honour of a key member of the gay community, of the city.

In a world of diversity, of good and bad, it makes life a balance.  It seems for me, that the lives of many have intersected, that in the wake of death, of serious health issues, of loss, the balance of the universe will find a way to give us messages.  To remind us that life is precious, and short.  That any one of us, could be off this mortal coil in a last heart beat.  That good, positive people can be taken.  And while  we do not understand, or agree, that we feel anger and resentment, we all must find something good.  I wish to find the goodness, the light, the positive of good people, and try to live life with the honour, for those taken before their time, or at the end of a long road.  I choose to live up to the strength of good people.  For Anna, for my sister, my brother-in-law, my friend’s nephew, and for Raymond.  For me, in my own world, I wish to follow the strength of my family.  Heroes come in many fashions, in  many statures, but  the way someone lives life, speaks volumes to the balance of the universe.  Anna, my sister, are two of my heroes.  And Raymond.  We question why for tragic events.  It is what we do after, that defines us, our futures.  It is the universe’s way to keep us honest.  And what we do in this world, is the best way to reply to the messages of the universe, after the ides of April…

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Why I Wont Be a Parent

Standing in a long line up at the only Tim Horton’s open for blocks from work on Good Friday, with members of peewee hockey and family swarming the joint (it is one of the designer Cold Stone Creamery ice cream cafes)….. I turned to my co-worker on the way out, and grumbled my intolerance.

Me: It’s some tournament or something… I cannot imagine having the money to have a kid in sports.  It must be bloody expensive!

C0-worker: You are right, it is not cheap.

Me: This is why I don’t have kids, man!  Firstly, I would have to work round clock to afford to feed it, and clothe it!  Let alone letting it participate in a team… I would be like “Jr., if you want to play sports, get a job and pay for it yourself!”

Co-worker: (laughing)

Me: No, I’m not kidding!  If my seven-year old asked to play, then he could work for it.  Kathy Lee Gifford had kids making her clothes.  Rose made Gypsy Lee Rose earn her keep….

Co-worker: (laughing, yet appalled)  I don’t think it works that way.  That’s not really legal here.. and as for Rose, I still pretty much think that isn’t legal any more either…

Me: Short of raising it in the Fourth World, I guess you’re right.  Child stars at least don’t have the time to join sports, what with the hours acting on set.. No guarantees it could be cute enough or smart enough to perform.  Even if it is mine.  Ok, well, it would need to earn it’s keep then.  ‘Hey you, clean the house and don’t forget the gutters!  And tomorrow, you’d better be re-tiling the roof if you want to go to the finals with the team!’

Co-worker: (still laughing) You wouldn’t?

Me: Hey, gotta work for it… Ask Donald Trump.  It could help with the groceries too… ‘ok you, take the bags to the car…. no, no cart for you mr. all-star, you are carrying all those bags, and hurry up’…

Co-worker: (shaking his head)  U really shouldn’t have kids.  Hey, You never mentioned lemonade stands, dog walking…

Me: They would never make enough cash that way!  It would drop and spill the drink, or lose all the dogs, and then I would have to pay more out to fix it’s mistakes…. Ah, I  see your point. Well, this is one reason why I won’t be a parent. (sigh)

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Equality For All?

Under the notion that all are created equal, it then would seem to me, (and I am rather slanted in this), that we all have the same potential to do good and bad.  That individual growth will shape us, and the world around us.  Some may have less to work with, while others have D&G, four-leaf clovers and Iphones shooting out of their blow holes.

If this ideal is to be used by any group or organization, then really, wouldn’t they see the vast sea of variations?  Or is that too much to ask for?  That the mission statement of a communal philosophy should recognize that we are all full of potential? 

I do not remember ever hearing ‘all whom we deem equal, we shall honour them’….  Well, maybe the likes of Hitler…

We all bleed the same.  We all feel emotion.  We all do the best with what we have.  Some manage better than others.  Some cannot look to the light. 

Have we really evolved to the point of equality, or are we on the brink of sliding back down that slick, hateful hill into the abyss?  How equal are we really?

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Wedded Bliss? A Rant on Marriage

Marriage (or wedlock) is a social union or legal contract between people that creates kinship. The definition of marriage varies according to different cultures, but is usually an institution in which interpersonal relationships, usually intimate and sexual, are acknowledged. Such a union, often formalized via a wedding ceremony, may also be called matrimony. Many cultures limit marriage to two persons of the opposite sex, but some allow forms of polygamous marriage, and some recognize same-sex marriage. In some conservative cultures, marriage is recommended or compulsory before pursuing any sexual activity.

People marry for many reasons, including one or more of the following: legal, social, libidinal, emotional, economic, spiritual, and religious. These might include arranged marriages, family obligations, the legal establishment of a nuclear family unit, the legal protection of children and public declaration of commitment.[1][2]The act of marriage usually creates normative or legal obligations between the individuals involved. Some cultures allow the dissolution of marriage through divorce or annulment.  (as from wikipedia)

Recently, I learned of a gay couple who seem to be engaged, as per a social media status update.  I am very much a supporter of marriage, gay or otherwise, in relation to love, and the commitment of two individuals.  I am a romantic, believe in love, and the soul mate ideal.  The above two paragraphs are from wikipedia. In the second, it gives reasons for many to decide to be married.  I do not presume to know the workings of someone else’s relationship….however…

It has taken way too long for humanity to deal with each other, to have a fair and equal world.  I know, not there yet but a work in progress.  Rights granted, blah blah…

My issue is that this:  If we fight for rights and equality, then shouldn’t we have some level of respect for the things we have?  Freedom of will and liberty is great.  But if gays can marry, should not we attempt to honourable? 

Straight couples have enjoyed the highs and lows of marriage from the beginning.  And while there are those that disrespect the institution and what it stands for, and there are those, as well, who value its ideals and beliefs.  With so many hetros on their own narrow view point, it makes gay marriage difficult if it is not done for the purest of reasons: love.  Man/woman marriages have been for love, money, and a myriad of reasons.  Let us face this: gay rights may picking up speed in our world, but stereotypes remain.  Gays are seen as dirty, promiscuous, and an afront to the meaning of marriage.  So, if a couple of gays who are looking to get hitched for concerns of finance, or status, rather than love and being only 2 joined in intimacy, then, how in the name of all that is Elton John, can we get away from being the demon if we put it all out there?  that we say, meh, marriage ok even if it’s not for love.  Really? 

Why would a couple of sleep-around-seths want to get married?  Sure, makes senes for the straights.  Look  step-ford family, raise kids, but really, you are schlanking the rest of the suburban street, at  the ‘swappers’ party.  You would need marriage to be the beard, if you all are bed hopping.  Well, gays do that regardless.  Unless we got kids, there is no real need to get into matrimony other than love.  Ok you may say, not so.  Seriously?  ok then, let’s see.  Money/finances?  How about investments?  RRSPs?  Will marriage make this couple I know of better?  Hardly.  If they give up trying to win the skank equivalent of the Best Picture Oscar, then meh, ok.  They marry for love.  Forsake all others.  I ll buy them a blender.

However, if we think that just because we now can marry, should we?  The straights have the corner on seedy, secret, scandalous sexual affairs of married couples.  Really, for us gays, we accept this, rather embrace this, and damn many of us are good at being tramps.  So, maybe thanks to that fabulous other red head Julia Roberts and that fine (well, not so recently) Richard Gere, the gays got the marriage bug.  That even though they are amateur porn stars, they too can live the dream. 

If gays make the committment to tie the knot, then why can’t they do it for the spirit and the letter of marriage?  And make it about romance and not how many times you can play hide wet  twirl the cabaret stick…. And if you detected some resentment, you would be right.  I have resigned myself to the knowledge that unless Mr. Str8 is left a vegetable and unable to stop me from forcing him to marry me… I will never be a bride.  And I am pretty ok with it.  I dream of being married.  I just really think those gays who count more sex partners than jelly beans while in a relationship should really just stay the course.  And leave marriage to the gays who are a better example of human equality, who truly are the marrying kind.  Those of us who believe in love, romance and being the only two,  in a party of two.   By the powers of blogging,  I now pronounce you rant and rant, and may you may rant on….

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Filed under gay, Humour, Quotes, Random, Rant, Relationships, Silly Me

Love and the Seasons of Passion

All the world evolves about the sun.  The world will have it seasons and it can be cold and cruel.  It can be warm, and full of promise of blossoms and awaking.  The rose to become full and expressing it’s beauty.  The heat and renewal of life as a pattern of eternity will see the strength of new life taking it’s steps to becoming apart of the wonder of life.  And the metamorphosis of the cycle waning, and the ebb into harvest.  Each of us moved by the seasons, the core whisper that calls to us, that speaks our names.

It is the passion of life, the passion of love, the passion of growth that commands us.  That time will march on as precise as a military squadron, and passion of duty and the experience of wonder that makes a child’s eyes wide, and the old smile with images of passions long gone.

It is passion that makes our feet move to the object of affection, the heart to beat so fast that you cannot breathe.  It makes our skin clammy and sensitive to our environment.  Our eyes respond to the sight of passion, relentless in maintaining the image for eternity.

Passion makes lovers do almost anything.  The seasons of passion as in nature, will too, roll along, everything has a season, and a season for everything.

For some, the summer of passion will last for untold kisses, caresses and intertwining of two.  For some, they say this is the best season.

Some will favour the spring of passion, the newness of love, the dawn of the new day sun, the dew on petals, so fragrant.

As in all things, the season of passion will fade, and the leaves will fall, and wither.  The passion of passion will slip away, and find shelter in places untouchable.

Passion will find itself exhausted and starved.  In the winter, it will withdrawal, and feel the chill, as it is held in place.  Buried under the freezing snow, it has life still, life we cannot see.  It is the way of passion, you see, that it will wait like the buds of a flower, beneath the cold, it knows all the passion of all it’s seasons, and will need the time of loneliness to reflect.  Passion will await the heat of the sun of a new passion.  And it will survive until the promise of passion new, when it will reach out and find the season to bloom again.

Passion, love, and all things good, you see, cannot be eternally held for just one.  Sometimes the season of passion can be sustained by endless love.  Those who are lucky to have such passion, are meant for it.  The rest, will have many seasons.  Blossoms that will find life, add to the bouquet of flowers.  Most of us will have passion of summer, only if we acknowledge that winter is a season as well.  That while we feel lost, alone, and without hope, just remember, you are a bud, and if willing to wait out the winter season, if you are open, you will arise and you will have a season of summer.  A season of passion and love will be there for us all.

You will have the sun, and all that it brings, in the season of summer.  The season of passion.  You will love. And be loved.  That is what the sun brings in the season of spring.

We all move to the beat of the heart of the seasons, and will evolve around the sun, because, the world will always spin, and seasons will always change.  As we must, for passion and for love.

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Re-Rev Elev 2011 Re-Post: Shit My Boyfriend Texts

1) (appearing on MSN)’Don’t txt.  My keys are fucked.  Smashed the cell.

2) Fuck! I just locked the fucking keys in the house

3) Str8:Remember I said I felt I was forgetting something. the anti virous

Me: lol.. the anti virous?

Str8: opps, spel cheque!

4) Me: that hill will kill me, just saying

Str8: lmfo!

Me: Nice, sympathy n empathy, swell…..

Str8:  lol

Me: a great hubby..i could be near death, and u…really care. All choked up. Me sprawled all exorcist like on the side of the highway..

(ten minutes later)…aha.. I rest my case…

Str8: Lmfao!

Me: ok fine.  Even without a quippy comeback,don’t think I won’t blog this..Mr Morbid..more like..

Str8: lol, u r funny first thing in the morning!

Me: lol.. aw thanks, lack of sleep…

5) (Str8 back in the Cape, having power issues)..the power blinked off again….ths back already, i think this must be a NSPI way of a practical joke!……holy sweet american fuck! the power just went out again!…..

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Mamma Said There Would Days Like This

Between the normal days and usually fair mood, I have been rather hard on myself, and therefore those around me..

About a month ago, my new friend, neighbour and co-worker was staying behind, and let me drive her car back home. I was excited, and determined to be responsible.  I took the bus home. When stepping off the bus, I inadvertently severely twisted my ankle.  It hurt like the kings, and in the pouring rain, limped and hobbled to her car.  Drove it to her place and walked to my place.  Since then, it’s still not fully better, sore and achy still.

On the weekend, a few days ago, I decided to get to the store, as the early effects of Hurricane Irene started.  Wanted to pick up some basics at the market as I was expecting Mr. Str8 to arrive with my step-daughter for the week.  I decided to wear his runners without socks.  Big mistake. His left shoe at the back was worn and ripped, and it rubbed my Achilles tendon raw and bloody.  So, suffering the frustrating soreness of that as well as the still not healed right ankle.

After a later than normal intimate session, I awoke thinking I was refreshed from the release.  However, I had only 15 minutes to get ready for work after eating breakfast and watching a show on the laptop.  I was late showering, prepping food for work, and broke my hematite ring.  I had an outburst of rage and without provocation, took it out on him.  And now the day is set off for me.  Not my usual light and fluffy demeanour.

And here I am, with physical soreness and a heavy heart and bad mood to deal with.  Good reminder to keep your temper in check.  Ask most people close to me and my sister, about the Smith temper.  It is a bit of a thriller, but generally, as long as it is not directed at you, usually funny.

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