Status Quotes 1: Surviving Heartbreak

even when i am not whole, even when i may not being fully alive, even if I’m less than perfect, i know there are those who wont forsake me, and who will take me in their lives… may i give back

how much, how long, without.. when will it be time…to say what needs to be said, to make a choice to stop being frozen in time

dear god… please give me strength.. or numbness, cos the pain of loss and confusion is more than I can bare

pretty sure i am lucky.. supportive friends and family…. i know i still am loved..unlike the love that was to be forever

bit of news to make me sleepy.. can only hope sleep wont keep avoiding me, like the man who vowed love, and then walked away

I wish I knew, I wish I could, I wish I will… But all I wish, will never be, since the love of my life walked away in silence, and left my heart broken and deaf

smiling is the emotional equivalent of applying make up to a bruise.. everyone knows no matter how hard you try to conceal it…

love may burn like hot water, but unlike water you can’t turn it off like a tap

Took A Chance (a Love Lost)

We found each other and took a chance. We were alike, we were different.  I can remember the excitement, the anticipation to talk on video, the nerves making us giddy.  I can remember your eyes sparkling, and that grin that told me you liked me.  We started to share, flirting and opening up our hearts.

We found each other and took a chance. You traveled distance to meet me, and we meet face to face.  It was like I knew you, you were sent for me, and I for you.  The first touch, that first kiss, that first moment we stared into each other’s eyes. It was like two parts of a soul was reunited and made whole.

We found each other and took a chance. You traveled back and forth, we were separated by kilometres, but never in love, never in spirit. We had to take the times apart, to have the times together. You made the sacrifice and I made you know by all I could do that this was to be, that I wanted you, as you wanted me.

We found each other and took a chance. It was real, you and I, a relationship.  There was so much, we fell in love, we were in love.  There were moments that shadowed the light, moments of darkness blocking out this love we shared. Life is far from perfect, and somehow we came out, the light of love never went out.

We found each other and took a chance. Time was a river flowing on and on, and we the water running to explore the world ahead of us. And then there were rocks, and a vow broken. indiscretion ripped my heart, and for the love I knew we had, like water, we survived the storm, the waves that threatened love.  And we were strong, we were more in love.

We found each other and took a chance. We both had moments were we were less than perfect, taking turns to be negative, to upset the love we shared.  Human natures and personal natures were overcome, and we were still in love.

We found each other and took a chance. We became each other’s world, everything was the other. Every sight, sound, touch, taste. Every place and space. And then without warning, in a moment, in a nightmare, it was over, and you were willing to walk away.

We found each other and took a chance.  The chance was a game, and it ended, and like bomb of emotional shrapnel, we exploded, and here we are, apart, a soul ripped into two, bleeding and dying and alone without rescue. Me here alone, you there alone. And a crater now in place of the love filled hearts.  And now I shed tears, I drown in the pain and know, we found each other and took a chance, and we are lost and the last chance was passed. I will always love you.

 

 

Shit Mr. Str8 says Update

Well, it has been forever since my last post.  Things have been rather rough for a while, mostly finding myself laid off and unemployed for over a month. I regretfully hadn’t been writing as much.  However, I at a turning point, and angst, is a great inspiration.

So, with a broken heart, after close to three years, I find myself single again, Mr. Str8 has left the building, left a void in my life. I am still in shock, and dealing with the events. I decided to not do any more quotes, instead, work on other material.

So with that rather depressing news.. hope you all have been well and happy.

I will be back shortly.

 

To Try

In the way of love, you meet and try

To get together to love, you feel it deep and sigh

Hold on to fantasies of him and start to date.

So hold your head up high

Don’t be afraid to try

Go get that one you want

Let him know how you feel

You never know what will happen

Tell him how he makes you feel.

Don’t be afraid to try

He makes you weak

He has that certain thing

Maybe he likes you too

Never know til you try.

When something feels this good

Never let it go away

After the heartache of the past

This time try to make it last.

the Movie Extravaganza Pre-Easter Weekend Str8 Rumble

Last week on my week day off, we went to the movies.  Now, this is a rare treat of late, that Mr. Str8 would be willing to spend that much money other than shopping on Ebay for video games and replacement controllers for ps2.  (Have you seen the brutal murder of one such controller?)  When I confirmed I would be off for the day, he mentioned the movie idea. Here we were sitting in the kitchen, on our laptops, and I nearly fell off my chair, while flashes of colours assaulted my brain.  I steadied myself with a hand on his arm.

“A what?  Sorry, I thought you actually mentioned going to the movie theatre?”

“Ya, I did.  What’s your issue?”  Str8 stares at me like I transformed into a three headed Richard Simmons.

“Really?  Are you playing a sick belated April Fool’s Day joke on me or are you serious?”

“Don’t take it like it’s some kind of real date night shit or anything.  I wanna see if there is anything good.  Find out what’s playing.”

I know what you are thinking.   How is it that I’m the luckiest gay to have such a warm, fuzzy and awesomely romantic bf?  I keep trying desperately to find that out.  What did I ever do to deserve a real fairy tale love?  So, I loaded up Empire Theatre’s site faster than you could say ‘j’ (as in jackass…), or not as fast as Mariah Carey’s movie crashed and burned…

We really had two options.  I swiveled Sully (laptop) and showed him the trailer for ‘John Carter’.

“that’s it!  We are seeing that one!” Str8 exclaimed with a sloppy grin.

“Ok…or what about…”

“Wax in the ears?  I said that one.  What part of ‘that’s it’, did you not get?”

“What part of your computer will come in contact with which part of your body, in about.. say.. 5 seconds?…..”

“The bottom, and my head?”

“Yes, and no- your head is too hard and thick for an empty container…but your lap is exposed…”  He quickly pulled his chair forward so his belly mashed on the table’s edge.  I glared at him.

“I love you?”  He blew a kiss.

“Jackass..”  I coughed into my hand.

John Carter.. 4 thumbs up

So without bloodshed, we decided.  And then the morning of the Great Movie Adventure of 2012, I repeatedly reminded him of the time, a perpetual countdown to the departure time, and ETA.  And the wax from my ears must have travelled out of my ear canal, slugged itself along the pillows the night before, right into his superior tunnels, because I couldn’t pry him off his video game in time.

“Ok, save the game for the love of RuPaul already, we need to leave!” I yelled.  I hate getting to the theatre late.  Major pet peeve.  So, with barely time to spare, I finally dragged Str8 out of the house, and off on the road.  Getting into Bayer’s Lake was not easy.  Direction-challenged Str8, missed the turn off.  I directed him around, and he took the very first right, and kept going.

“Ok, the theatre is right there, and u didn’t turn.” I steamed.  A U-ie and back around… he grumbled and I not happy.  We got in to the theatre, a few minutes into the start.

“See we made it.”  Str8 said.  I glared at him.

“Movie is on. No talking.”  And we enjoyed a most exciting and great movie.  I cannot believe that ‘John Carter’ was not a smash hit.  I loved it.

 

Wedded Bliss? A Rant on Marriage

Marriage (or wedlock) is a social union or legal contract between people that creates kinship. The definition of marriage varies according to different cultures, but is usually an institution in which interpersonal relationships, usually intimate and sexual, are acknowledged. Such a union, often formalized via a wedding ceremony, may also be called matrimony. Many cultures limit marriage to two persons of the opposite sex, but some allow forms of polygamous marriage, and some recognize same-sex marriage. In some conservative cultures, marriage is recommended or compulsory before pursuing any sexual activity.

People marry for many reasons, including one or more of the following: legal, social, libidinal, emotional, economic, spiritual, and religious. These might include arranged marriages, family obligations, the legal establishment of a nuclear family unit, the legal protection of children and public declaration of commitment.^[1][2]The act of marriage usually creates normative or legal obligations between the individuals involved. Some cultures allow the dissolution of marriage through divorce or annulment.  (as from wikipedia)

Recently, I learned of a gay couple who seem to be engaged, as per a social media status update.  I am very much a supporter of marriage, gay or otherwise, in relation to love, and the commitment of two individuals.  I am a romantic, believe in love, and the soul mate ideal.  The above two paragraphs are from wikipedia. In the second, it gives reasons for many to decide to be married.  I do not presume to know the workings of someone else’s relationship….however…

It has taken way too long for humanity to deal with each other, to have a fair and equal world.  I know, not there yet but a work in progress.  Rights granted, blah blah…

My issue is that this:  If we fight for rights and equality, then shouldn’t we have some level of respect for the things we have?  Freedom of will and liberty is great.  But if gays can marry, should not we attempt to honourable? 

Straight couples have enjoyed the highs and lows of marriage from the beginning.  And while there are those that disrespect the institution and what it stands for, and there are those, as well, who value its ideals and beliefs.  With so many hetros on their own narrow view point, it makes gay marriage difficult if it is not done for the purest of reasons: love.  Man/woman marriages have been for love, money, and a myriad of reasons.  Let us face this: gay rights may picking up speed in our world, but stereotypes remain.  Gays are seen as dirty, promiscuous, and an afront to the meaning of marriage.  So, if a couple of gays who are looking to get hitched for concerns of finance, or status, rather than love and being only 2 joined in intimacy, then, how in the name of all that is Elton John, can we get away from being the demon if we put it all out there?  that we say, meh, marriage ok even if it’s not for love.  Really? 

Why would a couple of sleep-around-seths want to get married?  Sure, makes senes for the straights.  Look  step-ford family, raise kids, but really, you are schlanking the rest of the suburban street, at  the ‘swappers’ party.  You would need marriage to be the beard, if you all are bed hopping.  Well, gays do that regardless.  Unless we got kids, there is no real need to get into matrimony other than love.  Ok you may say, not so.  Seriously?  ok then, let’s see.  Money/finances?  How about investments?  RRSPs?  Will marriage make this couple I know of better?  Hardly.  If they give up trying to win the skank equivalent of the Best Picture Oscar, then meh, ok.  They marry for love.  Forsake all others.  I ll buy them a blender.

However, if we think that just because we now can marry, should we?  The straights have the corner on seedy, secret, scandalous sexual affairs of married couples.  Really, for us gays, we accept this, rather embrace this, and damn many of us are good at being tramps.  So, maybe thanks to that fabulous other red head Julia Roberts and that fine (well, not so recently) Richard Gere, the gays got the marriage bug.  That even though they are amateur porn stars, they too can live the dream. 

If gays make the committment to tie the knot, then why can’t they do it for the spirit and the letter of marriage?  And make it about romance and not how many times you can play hide wet  twirl the cabaret stick…. And if you detected some resentment, you would be right.  I have resigned myself to the knowledge that unless Mr. Str8 is left a vegetable and unable to stop me from forcing him to marry me… I will never be a bride.  And I am pretty ok with it.  I dream of being married.  I just really think those gays who count more sex partners than jelly beans while in a relationship should really just stay the course.  And leave marriage to the gays who are a better example of human equality, who truly are the marrying kind.  Those of us who believe in love, romance and being the only two,  in a party of two.   By the powers of blogging,  I now pronounce you rant and rant, and may you may rant on….

Love and the Seasons of Passion

All the world evolves about the sun.  The world will have it seasons and it can be cold and cruel.  It can be warm, and full of promise of blossoms and awaking.  The rose to become full and expressing it’s beauty.  The heat and renewal of life as a pattern of eternity will see the strength of new life taking it’s steps to becoming apart of the wonder of life.  And the metamorphosis of the cycle waning, and the ebb into harvest.  Each of us moved by the seasons, the core whisper that calls to us, that speaks our names.

It is the passion of life, the passion of love, the passion of growth that commands us.  That time will march on as precise as a military squadron, and passion of duty and the experience of wonder that makes a child’s eyes wide, and the old smile with images of passions long gone.

It is passion that makes our feet move to the object of affection, the heart to beat so fast that you cannot breathe.  It makes our skin clammy and sensitive to our environment.  Our eyes respond to the sight of passion, relentless in maintaining the image for eternity.

Passion makes lovers do almost anything.  The seasons of passion as in nature, will too, roll along, everything has a season, and a season for everything.

For some, the summer of passion will last for untold kisses, caresses and intertwining of two.  For some, they say this is the best season.

Some will favour the spring of passion, the newness of love, the dawn of the new day sun, the dew on petals, so fragrant.

As in all things, the season of passion will fade, and the leaves will fall, and wither.  The passion of passion will slip away, and find shelter in places untouchable.

Passion will find itself exhausted and starved.  In the winter, it will withdrawal, and feel the chill, as it is held in place.  Buried under the freezing snow, it has life still, life we cannot see.  It is the way of passion, you see, that it will wait like the buds of a flower, beneath the cold, it knows all the passion of all it’s seasons, and will need the time of loneliness to reflect.  Passion will await the heat of the sun of a new passion.  And it will survive until the promise of passion new, when it will reach out and find the season to bloom again.

Passion, love, and all things good, you see, cannot be eternally held for just one.  Sometimes the season of passion can be sustained by endless love.  Those who are lucky to have such passion, are meant for it.  The rest, will have many seasons.  Blossoms that will find life, add to the bouquet of flowers.  Most of us will have passion of summer, only if we acknowledge that winter is a season as well.  That while we feel lost, alone, and without hope, just remember, you are a bud, and if willing to wait out the winter season, if you are open, you will arise and you will have a season of summer.  A season of passion and love will be there for us all.

You will have the sun, and all that it brings, in the season of summer.  The season of passion.  You will love. And be loved.  That is what the sun brings in the season of spring.

We all move to the beat of the heart of the seasons, and will evolve around the sun, because, the world will always spin, and seasons will always change.  As we must, for passion and for love.

In Defense to ‘A Man Rant’

So, as I was making fun of Mr. Str8 for his affair with his video games, I feel like I must now share with everyone this point.

To be fair, let me say this: I do think video games are a good and positive outlet for his attentions.  There are far worse ways to have attention placed on something else.  He enjoys it and it has given us moments of quality time, playing together, or him explaining to me his strategies.  Interests can often bring couples together, if they are open to sharing.

My ‘video game’ happens to be photography.  And I can compare this because it is yet to be fruitful, or outside of my own enjoyment, I like it.  I could shoot thousands of pictures.  And while Str8 gets lost in his games, I get lost in having a camera in front of my face.

So, with my old Olympus pocket camera, I subjected Str8 to endless picture taking.  Every venture out of the house, in the car, on walks, on vacation, at the bar, I had it with me.  In the first couple of months when we were dating, he indulged me by posing for me.  Maybe I wore that off quickly.  He got tired and annoyed.  “That camera could end up in pieces if you keep it in my face.”  That was his first admission of annoyance.

On our first vacation together, to PEI, I was attached to it, and could barely put it down.  He gave me warning looks on the drive to the island.  We had stayed in Pictou Nova Scotia the first night, and minutes after being in our room at the Inn, I was snapping pix of the room, angle after angle, and like a fashion photographer, I was focusing in on him.  I remember him standing there, and with a menacing face, said “Did you want to live through the night?”

On our walkabout, in town, I would lag behind, and Str8 would keep walking.  I had to run to catch up.  After exploring the town, once we were back to our room, Str8 said “Oh, and by the way your camera may not survive the night.”

At a random point while in Charlottetown, on our walkabout, Str8 stopped walking.  “Do you think any of your pictures will be any good?”

Once in the park, while feeding squirrels, Str8 moved on, and like a child, I was alone.  I found him, and he shook his head. “At this rate you will be kidnapped, molested and murdered.  You’ll like one of those options maybe…”

The first night Str8 got in after I got my new camera, I had it in his face for the first 3 minutes.  “If you want to keep that new camera, you’ll get it out of my face.”

he digs my digit photo art and gets upset if I don’t hear him.  Role reversal.  So, I don’t get his video games, and Str8 doesn’t get my creative addiction with the camera.

And if this seems like a weak comparison, well I admit, it is.  My camera compulsion is close to but not like Str8’s video fixation.  So, really, the ‘men’ of the relationship will have their obsessions, even if the ‘females’ have their.  The men will always be men.  But for those of us as the women, we will secretly know, we are the better halves of the whole…

A Man Rant

So, Honey Badger (she selected the name, I liked it) and I got to comparing some notes on our men.  Honey reminisced on her ex, and I, on you guessed it, Mr. Str8, about the annoying behaviour of some  men’s video game addiction…

Honey: Tell everyone about our rant (laughing)

Me: So Str8 has picked up another  Playstation video game. He came down for weekend.  I worked on the Sunday, so we confirmed, on the way into town in the morning, that I was off at 6:30.  He said he would leave at 6:20.  I texted him after 6pm.  After I was walking to meet him, I get a text “u off at 6:30 or 7:30?”  He got caught up playing this game, and was over 30 minutes late…..so not impressed.  Then, the very next night we agreed to meet at the market.  I texted him ten minutes away from the store.  He showed up late, 20 minutes later.  Oh, and why you may ask?  Yup, frickin video game!  Was I a happy princess?  Not so much.  He being a j-a, laughed it off. Men!

Marla: (laughs)

Honey: Ya, A-H would play his video games all night, for hours, and stay up late, even though he had to be up at 6am, he would play past 1am!  stupid.

Me: Right?  And ok, if that’s not bad enough, I leave Str8 for the day, and know he is on that blasted thing all day, and when I get home, there are dishes, and  bags and wrappers all over my counter like some junk food atom bomb went off!  It’s not like there is a garbage can under the sink, oh no, that one just leaves a mess like a teenage junkie!

Honey: (laughing) I know, they lose all sense, wasting their time.

Me: Trust me, just like Carlie said, we could strip off and do a lap dance and get pushed away like we don’t exist.  Zombies the lot of em.

Honey: Why are men like that?

Marla: Men are like overgrown kids.

Me: More or less. I don’t get it.  If I don’t respond to Str8 when he wants me to, I get flack! Now, ladies, you have to understand men are designed by biology to be the hunter.  So they hunt, watch sports, play video games or build things to keep them active, no longer the caveman that actually brought back the bacon.  Housework, cooking and cleaning, that is not a man’s job.  Do they not realize, but not paying attention and doing what we want, that they make it worse for them?

Honey: That pisses me off, because when I used to try to get him to bed, he would bitch and complain, and sulk.  (laughing)  Hey, wait, but you are still a man.. so…

Me: Gurl, I i-dent-ify…it’s not my fault God gave me the pole and not the valley.  It is a wonderful curse… I get to…

Honey: And that is where you should end this rant before it get’s triple x… Say ‘see you later’

Me:….oh… (pout) men.. I will leave it at that… see you all later..

 

We all have things that annoy us, and we can annoy our partners.  But for love, we may complain, but at the end of the day, we secretly look back and laugh.  It’s the little things that make a relationship.  No one is perfect.

 

Str8 to Valentine’s (Or: Valentine, Schmalentine)

Now that St. Valentine’s Day has passed into the good night of history for 2012, just wanted to do a quick update on Mr. Str8.  He has gotten used to the buzz around being the subject of posts, and while he will never confirm this, it is my view that he has started to write his own dialogue.  (at least in his head).

With his working until Monday, the 13th, he arrived late that night.  And in passing, mentioned that it was Valentine’s, the very next day. I had decided to make an effort this year (last year we pretty much ignored it).  I had a card, chocolates and a bottle of wine ready to guilt give him. 

While at work, I tease texted him:

Me: Happy Valentine’s Day again!

Mr. Str8: same to you

Me: And this is the romantic I never expected from you….

Mr. Str8: LOL

(this caused an eye twitch in my right eye, coupled with an eye roll, that popped a vein in my forehead)

After work, on the way home, I texted him regarding dinner.  I was hoping to actually get a dinner out, as I was plotting hoping that by the inequity of my surprise gift, he would concede to finally going out for a real restaurant dinner.  And by text:

 (Footnote: with the city in a transit strike, I am carpooling with the only co-worker who lives in the sad, far far away bedroom community I am standed in.  He is pretty much a straight version of Mr. Str8 -from the same general area in Cape Breton, with the same general mentality- and we were en route to Costco, to buy his girlfriend roses)

Me: so wats for dinner?

Str8: I dont know, wat r u making for me?

Me: and I was thinking u werent gonna be romantic, silly me….

Str8: anything u want?

Me: maybe we ll just eat watever, and go out for dinner tomrw?

Str8: (after a pause)  well, dont feel to go out tonight, we ll see about tomorrow

Me: ok, great…then delivery tonight?  Had pizza at work for lunch, so no pizza

Str8: what else is there?  Fine, how about Chinese?

Me: Yes please.  lol

Str8: Since I am starving, and feel like Chinese, we will get Chinese. 

So, we ended up ordering in, and  without complaint.  I tried to pull for better material, but to no avail.  Safe to say, there wasn’t much conversation.